Maybe I'm getting old...but remember back in the days when you had to work hard to earn stuff? When you had to try out to make a team, and not everyone got picked? When you only got a blue ribbon if you came in first? When there was no "participation prize?" And it all made you motivated to practice stuff, try harder, and do your best? And, let's not forget, you had to learn how to congratulate the winner and lose gracefully? Is that stuff out of style these days?
Katie takes gymnastics lessons. She was probably barely 4 years old when her gym held a Gymnastics Meet. All the kids were encouraged to sign up. There were various events for the kids to compete in. Identical trophies and medals (yes, both) were ordered in advance for each participant. Katie got scared when she saw all the parents watching; she cried and did not participate while her group was at the first 3-4 events. I went out onto the floor to console her and encourage her to participate, but it was just not going to happen; she had gone from being shy to having an all-out cry, with the big heaving sobs, a tear-stained face, the whole bit. She's only 4 and she is shy by nature; perhaps I should not have signed her up in the first place. I thought it would be good practice for her. But it was not going to happen, at least, not at this day and time. I scooped her up and was carrying her out of there to go home to happier things when one of the staff followed me out. "Here is Katie's trophy and ribbon, " she said. "Can Katie come over here so we can take her picture on the winner's stand?" Katie was good with that, she didn't mind posing on the block with her trophy and ribbon, and as a parent, I felt powerless to have done anything to stop it. But didn't we just do a couple things wrong here? One, we rewarded negative behavior and noncompliance with a prize and positive attentioni. And two, we just sent Katie the message that there's really not much point in putting effort into anything because you get the same result whether you work hard or don't participate at all. Now, I'm not all mean, I would not begrudge my poor child a sticker or lollypop for at least being present and going through that trauma, if not participating in any way. But to give her the same prize that the kids who gave it 100% got...well, that's a slap in the face to those kids who did work hard and earn it.
Fast forward to Andy's 8th birthday party. We had a pool party here at home, complete with party games. The kids in attendance were around the same age, friends and classmates mostly. We had a pinata filled with candy. Each child got an equal shot at hitting it with a bat. Each child had been given a paper sack to put candy in when the magical time came. And, when the candy dumped out, each child had, in my opinion, an equal shot at picking up candy. But of course, not all kids got the same amount of candy. Some kids scrambled quicker, some picked up the pieces of candy quicker, some tried harder, some held back and waited. When it was all over, one boy came up to me and said, "He got 17 pieces, I only got 6. What are you going to do about it?" I felt like saying, "that's because he picked up 17 pieces and you picked up 6" but didn't think this would be a nice thing to say at my son's birthday party. So I found some more candy and evened things out with a smile on my face. And stewed on the inside.
Then, we went to the pool to play "ditch and dive." For this game, we throw pennies into the pool and give the kids goggles and let them try to pick up as many as they can. Any child who wasn't comfortable with this or didn't know how to swim or hold their breath, of course, was not forced to participate. There was enough activity going on in the yard that nobody would have been singled out by not participating. Well as you can probably guess, this was a repeat of the pinata scenario. One of the kids pointed out the obvious: "this game isn't fair because the kids who are better at diving down are getting more pennies." (Really, no kidding?) So.....it would appear that, not only should the kids who lose be entitled to the same prize as the kids who win....but the kids who win should not get any extra recognition for their talent or effort because to praise one child is, in effect, insulting the others....?
I remember those old days well ... always being the last kid picked for the team in P.E.
ReplyDeleteBut nowadays they do overdo it. My kids have soccer trophies when all they ever did was stand in the field and look at the dandelions like Horton the Elephant.
I agree that you should get as much out of something as you put into it.